(ангельским голосом) Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1, Italian 2
For Spanish press 3, French 4
For Yiddish press 5, Greek 6
For all other languages, press lucky 7
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Rabbi, press 2
Father, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5 then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)
For reservations to heaven please enter: Whoever followed by the numbers 9:11.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again at a more convenient time. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local clergy.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.